he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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