I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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