Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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