I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
