I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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