How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
