Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
