did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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