It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
