I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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