Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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