someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
