i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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