I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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