he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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