Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
