all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
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Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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