apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
