Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
