I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
