Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
