I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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