I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
