another moral hangover. fuck.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
