News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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