Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
