I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
