So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
