Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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