My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
