I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
