My sheets look like a crime scene.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
