She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
