I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
