Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
