party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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