Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
