i permit you to call me
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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