Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
