Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
