highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This baby is an asshole
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
