I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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