i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
