So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
