i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
