why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
