Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
