something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
