Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
These tits shall not be calmed
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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