Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
