I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize