Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
