So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
