I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
