She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
