i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
