we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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