This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
